Ep 10 - Stop "Shoulding" All Over Yourself

 

It’s time we stop ”shoulding” all over ourselves. Once we realize it's happening, we can pause to dig into our thoughts around it and come up with a better-informed decision moving forward. We’re not doing ourselves ANY favors when we should all over ourselves. Today we're going to talk about how it comes up in organizing, how it comes up in life, and how to reframe.

The purpose of sharing is to help you realize when you're doing it too, to give you some examples about when it comes up, and get some solutions for what to do instead.

You can listen right here, on Apple Podcasts, or you can read the transcription below. Enjoy!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Welcome welcome. Today I'm talking about ”shoulding” all over yourself. This is something that comes up all the time for clients and students. It is something that I've really had to work on in my own life, and overall helped with my mindset. Once I realize it's happening, I can reframe it and stop myself from saying it or dig into my thoughts around it and come up with a better-informed decision moving forward. I feel like that sounds a little cryptic, so I'm just going to dig into it.

The purpose of sharing is to help you realize when you're doing it too, to give you some examples about when it comes up, and get some solutions for what to do instead.

Should is one of my least favorite words ever. I'll just be upfront with that. You could probably gather that from the title of today's show. too. I firmly believe that we should stop shoulding all over ourselves because it's not doing us any favors. We're going to talk about how it comes up in organizing, how it comes up in life, and how to reframe.

Let’s start with the definition from Oxford languages. Should is used to indicate obligation, duty, or correctness typically when criticizing someone's actions as in, he should have been more careful. What often ends up happening is that the person's actions that you're generally criticizing are your own. It's a very guilt-ridden word, and we're going to get into that too. Once you notice how it creeps into your life, you are not going to be able to unsee it.

I Feel Like I Should Be Able To Do That

From decluttering and organizing to home projects, often something that you have to get done around the house. I see this so much. I should be able to do that. It ends up being the thing that often stops you from getting other people to help you— specifically outsourcing or hiring help. It happens a lot when I start to talk to people who are potential students for the course community or potential in-home clients.

They have felt frustrated in the past because they felt guilty that they should be able to take care of decluttering and organizing by themselves. It should be something that they should be able to tackle on their own. Then they're frustrated that they can't seem to get it done. With enough frustration, it comes time to bring in some help.

I found this in my own home. There are different projects that we need to get done. My husband will say well, I feel like I should be able to tackle that. However, it's not your area of expertise. This isn’t something that you're tackling day in and day out. You often end up saving a lot of time and sometimes money when you hire somebody else to do it or to teach you how to do it, just in the time you would have to take to figure something out.

Case in point, my toilet was running for a long time and I couldn't figure it out. My husband couldn't figure it out. And the next time my handyman came out, I had him take a look at it and he sorted it quickly and was able to just glance at it and say, oh, it's the blah, blah—then get the part, replace it, and now it works. That was a quick, same day, same hour situation for somebody who knew a lot about toilets. I don't know anything about toilets, so it would've taken me a lot of research and a lot of trial and error when it's faster and easier to let somebody who has the expertise tell you the solution that would be in front of your face if you knew about it, but if you don't, that's fine because we're not born with all the information in the world. Right? Just because somebody else in our life can do it easily doesn't mean that is something we need to be able to magically do easily, too.

And again, it's guilt-ridden. Right? I should be able to learn how to do this. This should be a quick fix. What are you doing in your life that is taking up your time and energy right now? There is a very, very good chance that your plate is already full of responsibilities. Full of to-do lists for the things that do matter.

There is a good chance your plate is already full.

Taking the time to learn a new skill– figure out how to do X, Y, Z thing– A lot of times it's that learning curve that would just take so long that you want to spend your free time figuring everything out from scratch. Something could be a priority in your life like decluttering and organizing just as, you know, an example.

Somebody else teaching you the best practices on how to get it done, just that is going to stop you from making all of the mistakes along the way. Having to start your research from scratch, having to figure out the trial and error. Learn from somebody else's trial and error, and you're going to have a good time.

Another place this pops up isn't necessarily organizing-related, but it comes up in life. This is just one of my least favorite phrases ever and I am sure you've heard it too. Somebody starts with, you know what you should do?

You Know What You Should Do Is Always Unsolicited Advice

Maybe it's business related, maybe it's home related, maybe it's parenting related, maybe it's fashion related, whatever the case may be. I find that it's usually followed up with something that I didn't ask for, nor am I interested in. Once I realized this it helped me because then when I have the urge to say that to somebody else, I'm able to internally say, is this completely unsolicited?

And Does this person actually give two shits about what I'm going to say next? Because if the answer is probably not, then I can just keep it to myself and save everybody some time and save me from being the annoying person who's like, you know what you should do?

Or it can also help give me pause to then reframe what I'm going to say and say something to the effect of like, “Hey, would you care for some unsolicited advice” or “I have a thought. Feel free to take this or leave this, obviously, the choice is yours.”

The should do. That's where the guilt is. You should do this. You really should be doing this. And if it's not something that you're interested in at all, then somehow the implication is there's some weird obligation there. Even just a twinge, a little hint, a little bit of essence of obligation that we could just reframe and take out.

I Feel Like I Should Keep This

The way that this pops up, a lot of times in actually organizing is with the phrase, oh, I feel like I should keep this. This usually pops up with sentimental items. Maybe we open a box and it's like, oh, well that's my great uncle’s so I should keep that. I always pause and then I ask questions like, are you keeping this because you feel guilty if you're letting it go, or is this something that's really, really important to you? Because those are the questions. The should— it's a guilt-ridden word and it lends itself to like an automatic decision.

Like that was my great uncle’s therefore I should keep it. We don't stop to ask ourselves why am I keeping it? Is it just because it belonged to somebody else a long time ago? If that's the reason it's not necessarily the best reason. Now, if it's a family heirloom that you really care about your father passed it down to you and you are going to pass it down to your child one day or another family member. It's deeply sentimental, it comes with the story and it makes you happy every time you see it, you know, that's one thing. But if it is this hideous, large home decor item, that for some reason got inherited to you… you don't like it, but you only kept it because nobody else in your family would keep it. If you're being honest to yourself and everybody else, you don't like it at all, then that's something that could be worth digging into a little bit more and reconsidering.

That's something I've found helpful as I'm teaching them my process. I'm not walking into a space or looking at a space thinking that everything is said and done. I don't want you to either. I want everything to be a little up for grabs as far as decision-making.

Don't get too comfortable. Possessions. Don't get too comfortable. We're going to question you all. The answer could be yes. A lot of it could be an easy yes and that's fantastic. It's not my job to tell you that you should only have six shirts or you should only have three books. It's not some weird rules of minimalism.

It's really about asking yourself questions to make sure that the items you have are things that you give any shits about really. If they fall under the I use want, need, or love this item. Fantastic. If it falls under, I'm keeping this because of guilt and obligation to appease somebody. In a way that is kind of assumed. A lot of times this isn't even real. It's not like somebody gives you something and says, Hey, I am giving this to you. And now you must keep this until the day that you die or else, that's not how things are given to you, but that's how we receive them. It's really easy for us to feel on the receiving end that that's like the implied passage of the item onto you. So we hold onto that emotionally.

You Are Not Alone

If you're nodding along, if you're feeling like this, I want you to realize that I'm saying it because this comes up all the time. All the time. In my course community, we have a whole module about making decisions around the tough stuff. Items kept out of obligation, guilt gifts that have been given to you, sentimental items, and how to go through the decision process of all of that. You're not alone. Looking at things through the lens of don't get cozy possessions. We're going to question you all can be really helpful, especially when you're taking it in small chunks at a time.

So where can we go from here? Something that I think is really important is if you find yourself using the word, should. I hope that it is now a trigger word for you. And I mean that in the most wonderful way. If you find yourself saying the word should, no matter how it is in context, dig into it, just take a second to dig into it and think to yourself, is this warranted guilt or obligation? Is this something that has to happen? If you're telling it to your kids because there's a rule in the house and you should know better about that rule, that's one thing.

If you're saying it to yourself, like, oh, I should really X, Y, Z, where is that coming from? Is it guilt? Is this something that you really need to hold on to? I have found that by reexamining those types of things, there are so many things that I have been able to let go of. And this is in all aspects of my life right now. We're going through a big purging process on the back end of my business and letting go of the things that no longer serve us. The things that can be uncomplicated, the things that would simplify things. We are just working very, very hard to utilize these same principles in my own business and take action that honestly, just really reflects what we're learning in the course. It feels very, very good in addition to feeling simplified. It has helped me let go of a lot of guilt-written, obligation-driven, societal expectation type of stuff that doesn't necessarily need to be on my plate day in, day out.

If you feel like you should do it, you should be able to do something. Dig into that as defined by you. Is it really important to you? Or is it something that came because of some obligation or pressure, either specifically told to you or not so specifically told to you? Was it directly implied? Was it indirectly implied? I just want you to think about that as it comes up. I really hope that it can help you reframe things as you move forward, as far as physical objects that you're considering, digital things that you're considering or decluttering, and even obligations on your calendar.

Let's just consider it all up for grabs. 

If there are takeaways that you have from this, please let me know. I love to hear all about them. You can message me. You can DM me. You can email me at carly@tidyrevival.com — I would love to hear your takeaways. We also would love for you to subscribe so that you'll always have access to the latest episode.

And thank you so much for joining us today. We appreciate it. If you want to learn more about working with me directly, you can, again, message me. You can head to tidyrevival.com. There's more information about the Clutter-Free Home Process course community over there. The Tidy Revival podcast is written and hosted by me, Carly Adams, it's edited by Brittany McLean. The title song, Maverick, is by Dresden the Flamingo.

And until next time, remember that…

 
 
 
 

Links mentioned in this episode

 
Tidy Revival Podcast, Mindset, Decluttering, OrganizationCarly AdamsTidy RevivalDecluttering, overwhelm, not alone, mindset, should, guilt, sentimental items